All right, kiddies, it’s time for me–Kate–to make a sad announcement. I am officially retiring as a Blonde. (I will, however, remain a blonde, though I occasionally consider becoming a redhead again.)

The fact is, you haven’t heard from me here in months. Laurie, bless her heart, has kept the site going all on her own and generously allowed me to keep taking credit. That ain’t right. The problem is, my life suddenly got about 10 times busier than it used to be, and I kept thinking I’d make it back here when things settled down, but… they aren’t settling down.

I’ll still be around regularly at Shapely Prose, occasionally at Shakesville, and–knock wood–possibly at Broadsheet. (I’ve written some pieces for them over the last few weeks and will find out if I’m officially hired some time soon.) I’m also working on a book that’s due out next spring and trying to actually stay in touch with my friends, so there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to keep wearing the advice columnist hat. (Note: my contributions to the new Aunt Fattie series over at Shapely Prose have been about as substantial as they’ve been here lately, so it’s not like I’m swapping one for the other.)

Thank you all so much for reading and sending questions. Be nice to Laurie.

Love,

Kate

Dear Blondes ~ I’m a yo-yo dieter and I can’t seem to lose my cellulite. I think it gets worse each summer, and I know you will probably tell me not to worry about it but I do. Any advice for me? I don’t have money for plastic surgery. I wouldn’t get it but I still wish there was something out there that works. Should I Just get over it and not worry about it or do you have any advice for me? Thanks.

*

Dear Reader,

Wow, the first thing we’ll advise you to do is stop yo-yo dieting. Stop it. Now.

Our advice has nothing to do with cellulite and everything to do with life and health. Yo-yo dieting can kill you, and we’re not being dramatic. It’s tough on your organs, it can weaken your immune system, and there are studies that suggest yo-yo dieting may increase the risks for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and gallbladder disease.*

Your body is what it is. You can’t get rid of cellulite by exercising or dieting, but you can get rid of your guilt and shame. We’re not pretending that cellulite is awesome, but we advocate some common sense and kindness when it comes to your body. Be easy on yourself. Cellulite is a human condition that affects almost 85% of women (if not higher).

If it helps you to know this, please rest assured that no one is looking at you. Reader, no one cares that you have dimples on your thighs. Seriously. We’re not looking at you and we don’t care.

Good luck, and thanks for writing.

Love,
The Blondes

*Sources are on the googles, yo.

If you’re not going orange on April 10th, you’re no friend of The Blondes.

*You can also learn more about the event on Facebook. Aren’t you on Facebook like all the other cool kids?

Dear Blondes,

My dentist says that I’m grinding my teeth to nubs. She recommends an acrylic bite splint that will cost nearly $400.

I don’t have dental insurance, so I went online and found the SleepRight Adjustable Night Guard.

It’s cheaper, but is it a waste of money?

Thanks,
Mouthy

*

Dear Mouthy,

We like the idea of DIY home decor and oil changes. We think it’s great when you can go to TJ Maxx or Steinmart and find a name-brand pair of shoes at a discount price.

DIY mouth guards and bite splints? We’re not fans as they don’t seem to address the real issue, which is an abnormal bite or TMJ. (Revised to TMD. Blonde #1 can’t read her own link.)

If you would like to avoid the expense of a bite splint, we recommend that you first try TMJ exercises, facial massage, or face yoga (we’re not kidding) to stretch and open the affected muscles.

Blonde #1 tried TMJ exercises to stop her ear pain and bruxism, but she decided to purchase an acrylic bite splint because she is lazy, yo. (She also tried a facelift massage — solely for the purpose of alleviating jaw pain, of course — which was awesome but ran $80 for an eighty-minute session.)

In the long run, we believe it’s cheaper and more effective to buy the bite splint and get on with the business of life. The SleepRight mouth guard may be an effective & temporary solution, but we suggest that you purchase the custom-fitted bite splint and prevent further damage to your pearly whites.

Love,
The Blondes

We apologize for the hiatus. Kate is writing furiously and I am helping my grandmother recover from her surgeries (& taking my cats to the vet).

We are amazed by how much traffic comes to the site, and we appreciate your love & support. Back soon with advice!

Love,
The Blondes

Hey blondes,

I was reading over your love at work post and thought what the hell, maybe I’ll get you to weigh in on my love/work issue.

I’ve had a benign colleague crush on another grad student (we’ll call him Josh) for some time: he’s adorable, we’ve gotten along swimmingly on projects, and since he made a point of visiting my office pretty frequently last semester, we had frequent chats that always resulted in both of us feeling positive (as opposed to “Oh God what am I doing here,” which is an effect grad students can often have on each other).

Over the holidays I became single, and vowed to starting hanging out more with my school friends. Josh and I went out and had a few beers, then went back to his place to watch a movie (his suggestion), then started making out (his initiation). I was very happy with this development; we had a nice time, we talked pretty frankly (I thought) about each other (he had a colleague crush on me too) and what we each wanted romantically (nothing serious, just fun and friendship and respect). I looked forward to the next time.

But there was no next time. We’re both very busy but I wanted to see him, so I compromised and suggested that we get some reading done together and then reward ourselves by watching a movie he really wanted to see. He begged off. Then I didn’t hear from him all week. I sent him a tentative Email the following weekend saying that I felt uncomfortable that we hadn’t been in touch since hooking up. He called me, full of apology, and explained that he was really nervous and uncomfortable about how physically close we’d gotten, and also nervous about how to manage seeing each other with his work schedule, and just all around nervous. I said okay, we’ll just go back to being colleagues, we can manage that. And he said No, no, he wanted to spend time together, he wanted to do fun non-serious things, he had a lot of fun the other night and wanted to hang out more often.

But since then, every time I’ve made a suggestion, he’s made an excuse. Never “No, how about another time?” or “Let’s not do that, but something else!” - just No, I can’t. So I stopped making suggestions. And I haven’t heard from him in three weeks now.

Blondes, I’m occasionally angry but mostly dismayed. I don’t know if I still want to be friends, but I’m upset that his actions were so inconsistent with his words and I’m sorry that we’re not even hanging out in the workplace anymore. I also don’t know why - have I repulsed him? Is he really just consumed with all of his nervousness and insecurities, like he said? Should I try to talk to him, if only just to figure out what the heck happened? And if so, what should I say?

Thanks,
Confused Grad Student

*

Dear Confused,

We are really sorry, but your friendship with Josh is over. It seems to us that he is out of his comfort zone — and it’s demonstrated by the fact that the more you push, the more he pulls away. A boundary has been crossed and there’s no going back.

Josh is a big boy and responsible for his own feelings. It sucks to be involved with a man who sends out such weird vibes, so let’s just move on and forget the whole thing happened. If anything, you’re drawing a boundary and pulling yourself away from a potential friendship/relationship that will only cause you trouble in the long-run.

You mentioned that you’re newly single, and we are encouraged to hear that you are committed to more important matters — school, work, reconnecting with friends, etc. We recommend enjoying beers with mature people who love you, respect you, and don’t freak out when you express your platonic or romantic intentions in them.

Love,
The Blondes

Okay, dear readers, we’re not judging you — but we are in awe of how you found us.

Are you the proud owner of one of these Google searches? If so, please let us know!

• what colour cloth suit blonde men
• swallowing sperm and acne
• manscaping facial hair
• rotting teeth smell poop
• men wax forearms
• do women like load on face
• feminism bad reputation
• sex with my massage therapist
• husband TV

Also, we’re looking for the owner of a Honda Accord — license plate number BFU 890. Dark gray with a dent in the door. Is that you? You left your lights on, yo.

Love,
The Blondes

PS — We can advise you that rotting teeth smell like poop. We learned that lovely tidbit after a science project we lovingly call, “What is the Effect of Phosphoric Acid on the Loss of Tooth Enamel?” (We’re not sure if it was a good idea to open the glass jar after several weeks, but the smell was both ferocious and foul.)

dear blondes,

i have long blonde hair and i want to try something different with my hair coloring. i usually just get bleach blonde or light brown highlights in my hair, but i would like to try something new that would be kind of funky and out there but not too tacky! any ideas??

thanks,
blonde mane

*

Dear Mane,

Some might suggest that you try very dark lowlights to add some contrast to your existing blonde highlights. Others might suggest that you add a touch of red or something funky — like copper.

Our suggestion? Cut your hair.

You don’t need a radical cut, but long hair often benefits from a thorough trim. An updated style might also help to enhance your existing highlights in a new and interesting way. We don’t advocate a radical departure, but there are plenty of women with long hair who cut 2-4″ inches off the ends and look amazing.

Just a thought.

Love,
The Blondes

PS - If your blonde hair is as light as you suggest, any color you add will stain your blonde hair and will be difficult to lift and reverse if you’re unhappy. We feel you should stay away from the reds unless you’re willing to embark on a journey of self-discovery. Red is tough on blonde hair and often turns orange, rusty, and fades in less than fourteen days.

Kate and I want to thank you for your continued readership. We’re backed up with submissions because Kate is busy changing the world and I’m busy with my in-depth political analysis on MSNBC being unemployed and drinking Starbucks.

Things to know:

1. I’ve had this article on decluttering flagged for several months because it has some great tips — most importantly, keep the shit out of your house in the first place. It’s brill. What other advice do you need?
2. I am frequently asked for resume advice, so this article on overused resume clichés should be totes helpful for you job-seekers out there. Just remember: it’s never good to be a team player.
3. This site about sick words has been most enlightening and describes many of your neuroses and other dysfunctional conditions. I especially like the word cacocallia, which is the paradoxical state of being ugly but at the same time sexually desirable. Nice.

We will post more, this week, but in the meanwhile you can read our most popular advice posts on  men with blonde hair and women who find their way to happy endings on a massage table.

We miss you.

Love,
Laurie & Kate

Dear Blondes,

I’ve recently been corresponding with a man via email. He’s a blogger. I liked his blog so I emailed him. After a few weeks I asked why he hadn’t asked to see a pic of me (his was on his blog). He said that doing so would be like googling me and wasn’t his speed. (Sorta sweet, right?)

Now we are going to meet for drinks, but here’s my dilemma. I’ve told him about all the sports I play and the activities I do, but like so many real women we know, even though I’m very active I’m no one’s idea of an athlete. I’m quite heavy. (Like really — not 20 or 30 pounds.) I feel like I should “warn” him. Sounds crazy. He’s never asked anything about my appearance. I thought I had left most of my insecurities about my appearance behind. But do I owe him a warning? (After writing this I realize how stupid it sounds, but I would like your opinions anyway.)

Thanks,
Obviously Still Insecure

*

Dear OSI,

Meeting someone on a blind date can be a nerve-wracking experience. (Ugh.) We don’t miss this period is our lives. Who needs that kind of anxiety??

We understand why you are writing, Ms. Insecurity, and it’s tough to differentiate between totally human anxieties & fears and the insecurities that are based on old baggage & neuroses. Do you mind if we ask a few questions to put your question about “warning him” in perspective?

• Have you ever warned someone about your hair color?
• How about your eye color? Do you think that’s a reason to warn someone?
• Are you compelled to warn people about your race?

It’s totally normal to feel insecure when you meet a new person — and rejection totally sucks — but the default assumption shouldn’t be that he’ll reject you because of your size.

That kind of fear has no place in your awesome life.

Some things to remember:

• You live an interesting life.
• You are an intelligent woman with much to offer.
• You may reject this guy for a whole host of reasons once you meet him.

If you’re going to worry about anything, worry that this bloggerman might not have enough to offer you!

Good luck on the first date, and please let us know what happens.

Love,
The Blondes